Searching for God knows what

yum

2008-07-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

Summer recipies are fun.
Last night I made this wonderful cold barley salad. Hope that you enjoy and try it out!

2c. pearl barley (you could potentially use any type of wheat berries or even brown rice)

1/2-1/4 of an onion, chopped

1 1/2 bell peppers

1 zucchini

1/3 c. lemon juice

1/3 c. good quality olive oil
2 Tsp. Pasta Seasonings (or mix of whatever spices you'd like)
Salt and Pepper to taste

Boil the barley about 20-30 minutes, until soft. Here's the trick, add the veggies to the collander before pouring the hot barley in. The boiling water softens the veggies just enough so that they are "flash cooked". Strain excess water. Transfer to a bowl and allow to cool for a while while you make the dressing, mix the lemon juice, olive oil, seasonings with a whisk. Pour over your veggies and barley and Voila! A tasty summer salad. Serve warm or cold.

So yeah.

2008-07-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Transition is good. But also hard. Today I found out that my boss is leaving. My boss who I have cried with, laughed with, and alltogether have shared real fellowship with. He is leaving. Gone.

When he told us, as a group, my coworkers collectivly shouted "you suck!" Diamante said, "now I know how our client's feel when we leave." It's true. I felt the tightening of the stomache. The feelingangryandbloodrushingaroundinthehead. The ohmygosh. I felt the ican'tbelieveyoudidn'ttellmeandithoughtwehadsomething. I wanted to tell myself, this is not a personal relationship, this is your boss! He doesn't have ties to you. But I still feel that sadness. He is a great friend of mine. One whom I felt an immediate connection with. I know that I am moving on too, I just didn't think that things would change.

It's funny how we set these rules on things. Things can change and leave, but I'd better do it first. I'd better pull out first. I'd better be safe first. I'd better get mines and get out before you can do the same. Eric, you can leave, but not before me. I need some amount of safety, some amount of security. I know it's not in you, but sometimes it sure feels like it is. It's funny how we personify happiness and safety. It's funny how we trust in chariots and horses. Some trust in the name of the Lord. I want to trust in the name of the Lord. Not in my boss. Not in my job. Not in outside circumstances. It seems easy enough.

Pedro the Lion has this song, that really speaks to my lament. We believe. We cling to the promises. But man I friggin struggle. Jesus loves me anyway.

Having Fun

2008-07-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

Just recently, I've started having fun. We're talking real fun, where I feel like I can let go of every stress, worry, anxiety, emotion, and just enjoy. I don't have to get hysterically laughing, and I don't have to have some kind of thrill seeking, but I am enjoying some plain old fashioned fun. Maybe it's because I've reached this point in my healing where I can really celebrate. Maybe it's moving into a new house. Maybe it's the end of servant partners internship. Whatever the underlying factors, I'm having a blast--here's a sampling of what I've been up to:
I spent the morning on the beach with myself, reading a book, went on a run, packed a picnic, played with the kid at the next umbrella. I took myself out for frozen yogurt.
I spent an evening (well, let me buzz in: many evenings!) playing "Rock Band" with Ben, Rex, and Kevin. It was hilarious.
I hiked up a trail on the fourth of July with Ben, Rex and David. It over looked the entire city, we could see a million different fire works shows.
I attended a BBQ for some of the people in the neighborhood. It was so cool to hang out and meet new people, and be able to be myself!
I've been reading a ridiculous amount of books, I've read 2 1/2 in the last week.
Anyway, that gives you an idea. Nothing real fancy, but I have just been really enjoying myself. I think I've finally learned how to celebrate. Praise God.

How Could I ever say Thank you

2008-05-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

How could I ever say thank You
When the whole of this life’s not enough
Though I offer each breath back in worship
It never could match Your great love

So great are Your ways
Such encompassing grace
Love that reaches beyond each defense
Your mercy disarms the most broken of hearts
Such complete and profound faithfulness
How could I thank You

How could I ever repay You
When You laid aside Heaven for me
You came to the earth its Creator
Incarnate to set sinners free

I love You Lord
I love You Lord
I love You Lord
I love You Lord

————–
How Could I Ever Say Thank You © 2007 Vertical Worship Songs/ASCAP, written by Kathryn Scott.

Somebody's Someone

2008-05-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

For the past year, I've worked with youth in the Foster Care System. I just found out about this amazing performance, Somebody's Someone. Yall should check it out.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle...

2008-05-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

The three R's. I'm trying to do this in my personal life. I've vowed to not purchase new clothes for the next... hmmm I'd better set a date--December 26th 2008, my birthday. I can reuse and recycle my clothes by sewing, stiching, etc. But until then! (Well, maybe except a wedding dress, but I will by used dress/make my own). Anyway, I saw this post about Brita filters. I thought it was interesting. Check it out. Anyone have any other brilliant ideas about reducing and recycling?

Prayer Retreat Photos

2008-04-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

This is Serra Retreat Center in Malibu, CA. It was an amazing weekend of prayer relaxation, seeking God for direction and discernment, and a time to get away and reflect. Jesus drew into the mountains often to pray and retreat with his disciples. This is a new discipline for me.

Aftermath of "upset"

2008-04-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

So I've been upset recently. Recently is mostly a relative term because I think I've been upset for a good couple of years-- you know off and on just generally unhappy, dissatisfied and an underlying sense of sadness. Moving down to S. CA, drama with community, job, and complete lostness in this world down here has really brought these things to a head. Exasterbated the symptoms, so to speak. And as a result, I've felt really vulnerable, but also really open to God in the process. He's really kicked my butt in some really awesome ways. Last night Ben and I got into a loooong discussion (Dad, that will be the 2 hour call to colorado on the phone bill). We talked about a number of things--one of them being that I feel "done" in a sense with all of the drama that comes with transition, that comes with being with coworkers who are less than perfect (and less than self-aware). However, "done" is not quite the most accurate discription. I don't feel stuck or trapped or anything. The real theme is that I am hopefull for the next couple of years. I feel hopeful to explore women's ministry, I feel hopeful to become a special education teacher, I feel hopeful to move in with a new community. I feel hopeful about these things. I know there will be drama (as there always is in transistion), but this time around I know that I have learned a great deal about myself, who I am and who I am not. I wanted to list these things to show some hope, to show what is possible in the aftermath of being upset. To show the growth and redemption that comes from God Almighty:
1. I know how difficult and how neccisary conflict is. Short lists are neccisary in community.
2. I know that I need community, I have difficulty exhibiting transparency, often putting up emotional walls.
3. The Lord is a healer. I have discovered I have a tendancy to try and "fix" things with my own hands. I feel overly responsible very often. I need to be with people who are aware of this tendancy of mine and will take active efforts to help me in combatting this feeling.
4. I love challenge. I am bored with small tasks easily. I like challenges that are intellectually stimulating.
5. I like teaching. I like imparting knowledge. What is more, I have a tendancy not to favor the smart kids (who are like me), but the ones who are struggling with innumerable challenges. I never thought I'd like special education kids. They are the most rewarding, redemptive people I've ever worked with.
6. Space for reading, writing, art is essetial.

Happy April

2008-04-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Fool's that is. Sorry for the fun. We had some real fun today. =)

Sudden but true

2008-04-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

So many are asking.. what? How? When? In response to all of this crazyness. Yes Ben and I drove to Los Vegas and we eloped. We are happy. We wanted this whole thing to be about us and not really an "event", you know what I mean? I know some maybe upset, and it may create a disturbance in the community... but sometimes you gotta do what you have to do. We love all of you.

2008-03-11T22:18:00.001-07:00

2008-03-11T22:15:00.001-07:00

2008-03-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

New Paintings

2008-03-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

So for the last year I've been dabbling in painting. I've really enjoyed myself, but maybe it's been less than a professional endeavor. =) Just me and God really, and processing stuff. Anyway, I wanted to post some of my paintings for critique and general enjoyment. Let me know what you think.

2008-03-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

2008-03-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Arg--next year

2008-03-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

So it's come to my attention that I need to move. Not so much that I "need" to, but more that it's about time that I go ahead and move out of my current place of residence. I'm moving into a season of exploration-- I want to see what it would be like to be involved in women's ministries. I want to see what it's like to be in different churches, different denominations. I want to take art classes, study chinese, read books that I've never read before. Basically, I want to follow Jesus in everyway that I possibly can.

The last couple years of my life have been high commitment, Intervarsity bible study leader, volunteer at the teens center, researcher, Servant Partners intern. Basically I've committed to people and places even when my heart hasn't "totally" been sold out. This has inspired a lot of growth in me. I have learned to rely on God for my fulfillment. I've better learned to listen to his voice. Last November, we as a community clearly discerned that we should end our commitment with our ministry partner. Now I am clearly hearing that I should really end all commitments at the end of June. These commitments remain-- to Jesus, to community, to Ben, and to the poor. How these play out will be really different next year. I'm both excited and scared. I'm nervous to be living without a structure on the one hand, yet so anxious to begin exploring other ministry options. Praise God for his work!

Lists of things I want to explore:
1. art and media
2. women's ministry (specifically to poor/working class women)
3. chinese
4. literature and writing

Ways these might play out:
1. being the newsletter design person for SP, also coordinating the literary content of this publication.
2. taking some classes at PCC -- art and chinese being most important
3. volunteering with several of the organizations in the LA area targeted at women's outreach. I could volunteer for each organization for a week, or a month, or just basically explore my options here.
4. With literature and writing, a wise friend advised (i.e. Casey Carter) that with life comes material and with regular practice means no rusty fingers. This will mean continuing to journal and to reflect.

In terms of my remaining commitments, these are a little easier because it means being present to my new housemates (whoever that might be), continuing to pursue relationships with my intern class, beginning pre-engagement counseling with Ben, and spending more time in the word (which is happening!)

All of a sudden, I am so excited for what the Lord would have for me. Praise God!

We have "approval"!

2008-02-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

So some of you know that Ben and I have wanted to be married for a while now, or at least wanted to begin the process of preparing for marriage. There have been various snags along the way and various things that we've had to say, okay put on the breaks. Last night, Ben and I met with the intern director and we presented out plan... In six months we want to begin pre-engagement counseling, a few months after that, engagement and pre-marital preprarations, for a marriage targeted in about June of 2o09. We halfway expected a huge NO because of it's impact on the other interns, or expected life situation at that point (grad school/jobs, etc) all of those thoughts and concerns. Instead we were pleasantly surprised with a warm approval and blessing from Brad. Praise the Lord! We are now super excited to spend the next 6 months dating each other and learning more about each other, before planning full force for our lives together. So everyone, I don't want to say "mark your calendars
" yet, but do be aware that in June 2009 there may be a significant celebration happening around here!

Busyness

2008-02-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

Busyness is the tyrant of reflection. The last week has been super jam packed. I'm super exhausted but filled with a new passion and zeal. I love Jesus! It's always good when we can look through our busyness and tiredness and know that our Lord is a strong provider. I am giving thanks this day.

Praying against fear

2008-02-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Todays prayer was challenging us to remove a fear that would keep us from receiving the Lord's forgiveness. "We set aside every foolish thought that we are not wanted, of that You (God) cannot bear our presence." I think this is challenging because it is hard to trust that the Lord has cleansed me (Psalm 51) and that when He does a work it is done. Praise the Lord for his Grace and for his redeeming love that brings us close to Him.

Also today, the call is to pray for youth in the city, that they would be transformed and grow into leaders of the city. I continue this prayer that has been my prayer for nearly 2 years.

Praying for: Men of the city

2008-02-06T09:02:00.000-08:00

This day was a call to pray for faithful men of the city. When I first read this, I thought, OMG, I do not want to pray for men, what have they done anyway? Then the importance of praying for men caught me--how many kids do I know with stable father figures? How many kids look up to their male teachers and hang on to their every words because they have no father in the household? And how many mothers do I know who have been hurt by their sons, either intentionally or by omission? Yes, righteous and faithful men are much needed in the city. I do pray for men, that God would raise up mighty men who are faithful to their families and will advocate for justice and not give in to the overwhelming, consuming nature of our society. I pray for iconoclast men--who say money, sex, and drugs are not happiness and are willing to fight and stand up to these forces which seek to kill and destroy their families and their own lives.

Lent: Prayers and Reflections to come...

2008-02-05T06:59:00.000-08:00

So this is super fat tuesday. The tuesday of the election and the tuesday before Lent.

This Lenten season, I will be joining my church and community in praying for the city. Each day we will pray for a specific people group in the city, for a specific region in the world, and through a specific verse for personal reflection. I've decided in addition to a modified fast (Daniel's fast), I will also be reflecting on the prayers and topics in my blog. I hope that you enjoy the future posts and enjoy seeing what God is doing in this city and around the world!

Updates

2008-02-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful weekend (and it's still Sunday!) I think there is something to be said for rest. Many people know the benefits of rest. I am still discovering them it seems. Friday I got a hair cut--just basically a trim and re-layering (so don't expect anything new). And I worked for a little while. Then after lunch with Ben and taking care of a few details, I packed off to Riverside. A great weekend of just hanging out with my sister--eating some tasty food (that she cooked!) and watching lost. Saturday morning we went to San Pedro and went sailing (or at least attempted to sail). I got really sick and pucked a bunch of times over the side. Yuk. But when we got to smooth water I was totally fine (but starving!). We went to a cute little diner in Long Beach. It was fun. Unfortunately after driving 60 miles home, I realized I forgot my work computer in Riverside! Oh no! Luckily I have some great friends who are willing to go a little out if their way to help me out.

In short it was great. I am painting/cleaning/reading/prepping for Acts today. Should be a great day!

Better

2008-01-30T07:05:00.001-08:00

Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

How do we....

2008-01-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

This week, my work with my clients has really been speaking to me. I have two client's who have awful home lives--they are full of pain and neglect and verbal abuse. Their parents do not and will not care to change, and the teenagers are stuck with parents who call them names, do not give them money, will not let them have jobs because it affects their SSI check, and do not really give a crap if they thrive. This has really caused me and my coworker to examine our approach, we have decided that since the environment in which they live will most likely not change or transform (all though we may hope for that), we are working on building skills, including self-esteem and self-image that will last beyond their home contexts and is not dependent upon them. Building such self-image is vital to maturity and thriving because it means that they can both last (emotionally) in their crappy families and it means that they can later last in other situations (though we hope they will not voluntarily submit themselves to them).

I think it is this lasting, foundational self-concept is something that God is challenging in me as well. To build a self-concept and a faith not dependent on how much my neighbors engage with me or my roomates like me, or my community is there for me, is really a powerful lesson and a vital part of my faith and relationship with God. I think part of the ways God is bringing about this foundational understanding is by bringing up conflict again and again to facilitate an understanding that God is my confidant, my protector and my redeemer and conflict will exist within a community and my hope in God, His love for me, and His provision will not be rocked.

thinking about community part 2

2008-01-27T08:48:00.001-08:00

Apologizes to those of you that read this post and were confused, hurt, or upset by it. Community is one thing that I have been thinking a lot about. I do believe God is teaching me much about community, how to do it, and how to do it well. Much of my life, I have struggled with a sense of isolation, not really fitting into any mold. I have expected that my community and Servant Parnters to fill this void, be able to understand and identify with me and be able to love me well. I have been wrong in this expectation. Not because the community does not love me, meet some of my needs, or understand and identify with me, but because without presentation of my needs to my community, and without caring for them in return; there can be no real exchange of compassion and love. This is something I am learning how to do. It is difficult, painful, and stretching. It is in effect, learning how to care for myself. When I can care for myself, by presenting my needs to a loving community, my needs will be addressed. In my last post (now deleted), I wrote that I did not want to be part of a community that neither knows nor is equipped to deal with these issues (isolation, loss of identity, etc). This still stands: I do not want to be part of that community; but I do not think (now or then) that our class is that community that neither knows nor cares, and I have been wrestling with how to make my needs known to the community so that people are equipped to deal with my issues.

Specifically, this last weekend was difficult for me; not because the event was not well planned nor well thought out, but because there was some particularly isolating, painful, and lonely experiences that took place during that weekend. This is partially due to some real conflicts (which have been brought up as needed), and partially due to God really wanting to work and heal me in these areas of my life. I am hopeful of this healing. I am hopeful that there will be more healing for me and for my community as we press in together. And I am hopeful that we will see God at work.

The hand of God

2008-01-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

I don't really like to "over spiritualize" experiences--you know just say that God says this, and the devil did that. I am realizing how much God really does talk to me, and how much the Devil really is at work to try and destroy.
I went for a hike the other day. It was so captivatingly beautiful--there was actually water in the Eaton Canyon Basin for the first time since I've lived in LA. And the moon--the moon was half full and it's pale incandecent glow was bright in the blue sky. It's funny because I kept expecting the moon to go away or to disappear, but each time I looked up, there was the moon! It did not disappear or go away, but stood, still and quiet in the sky. I heard the Lord say to me, "the moon and I are the same, I will never leave you or forsake you, but you will not always think that I am there". When I was walking back, it was getting a little dark, and I wished the moon were brighter to light may way. I thought I needed more light. Yet my food never faltered. There was just enough light to keep going. I think sometimes my walk with God is like that-- I feel like I want more light. I feel like I want more direction and guidelines. I want a seeing eye dog, but I still want to be able to see. I heard the lord say "there is enough for you. I am enough for you." Even when I want more, there is enough for my needs.

Better

2008-01-17T06:44:00.001-08:00

Better a little vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.

Loving life right now

2008-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was really hard. The end of it was hard. We're still trying to work out this whole community thing and there was an incident which sort of pushed a lot of buttons in me. I ended up getting really sad, making a lot of assumptions about my housemates and getting really upset. Then, I decided to say what I needed to in a polite way, even if I didn't think anyone cared. And they did care! It was great. My point was heard and we worked it out. Wow... Suddenly my attitude is different today. God does look after us, he calls us into some hard things, but He really does work to our good.

I've been working on this painting of Mary-- you know the mother of Jesus. It never ceases to amaze me that this little teenage girl had such faith in God's working out to her good. It's been profound to think of the weight on her shoulders and the faith it must have taken to sing Luke 1:46-55:
46And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers."

Next time I'm pregnant out of wedlock, maybe I'll sing that too. (just kidding of course, But sometimes it does seem like there are too many unexpected challenges like a random virgin birth.)

Picture says it all.

2008-01-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

We had some real fun. I forgot how much I love the mountains and outdoors. It was so great to take a mini-retreat/holiday with Ben and his family. It's actually hard to imagine joining the real world again--but here I am back in So. Cal after a wonderful Christmas in the winter wonderland of Boulder, Co. Ben and I saw old friends, caught up with his family, ate some really delicous food and some great Boulder Beer. We spend a lot of time outside in the snow taking walks and ending up in bookstores or at the tops of mountains. We even ended up at Boulder's "hill star", and we (or I rather) slid down and got snow all down my pants. Cold. And fun. Anyway, It was a great holiday that's all.

Working Thoughts

2007-12-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my working life I actually have a job that I enjoy and look forward to. I love seeing the progress in my client's I love hoping for them that they can get better, and I like sharing (and also reflecting) about my own journey and struggles and how "I made it and so can you". There is a profound empathy I feel towards my clients with dysfunctional homes. Not that I can fully know all of their experiences and feelings, but I do think that I have an ability to understand a little bit of what their going through. Often they just need a hug, and someone to be honest with. Most kids in high school play up that they don't have problems, they don't let their friends know and they hold everything inside. It's nice to know that they have at least one place to let things out.

I wonder how I can incorporate my faith into my job and my job into the practice of my faith? These are questions I'm still figuring out.

See what I mean...

2007-12-18T20:05:00.001-08:00

Temptations...

2007-12-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

So I've realized that a temptation for me is to tune out when I get overwhelmed. I feel like I just want to "zone out" for a while, not think deeply or think about stuff at all. But I know there is more power/freedom/joy/amazing gifts of God if I stay in the rub... So while I just want to chill and not think... I know I need to hang in. Pray for me.

teee heee

2007-12-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

Monday Morning, December 17, 2007

2007-12-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

1. I had a ton of fun last night--even without a voice.
2. I got pepto-bismol as my white elephant gift. I had to give up my massager (though my housemates stole it back for me).
3. I still have no voice. I think I need to go see the doctor.
4. I'm drinking eggnog with coffee for breakfast. I think this will not really help my throat, but I'm doing it anyway.
5. I'm going to another holiday party today. For another white elephant.
6. Tonight I am nervous because we are supposed to be doing house affirmations. I'm not sure what to say.
7. I'm still processing a lot of anger. My ex-boyfriend has written me a blank email after no contact since April (my choice). I want to punch his face in. now is not a good time to contact me, since I am so angry at you, it would end up bad for me and for you. Possibly when I am done writing angry letters at you in therapy and can forgive you with honesty and integrity, maybe then I will be able to even look at your name without wanting to vomit. But for now, that's not the case. Leave me alone please.
8. There is a new baby next-door. It was crying last night, this makes a total of 10 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment.

Perfectionism is a bad thing.

2007-12-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

So I guess I realized how much of a perfectionist I was when my director called me and I was sick in bed and he said, "you should really be at the end of the year meeting." I almost got up, got dressed and drove to South LA, just because I felt bad. Guilt can be a bad motivator--I think it causes us to over extend ourselves. Not that I would be super overextending myself to go to the year end meeting, but I would probably be paying for it the next day at work. And probably the whole weekend.

I think I need a more realistic expectation of myself. Otherwise, i honestly believe I might keel over soon.

Community

2007-12-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

Being in community is, in one sense, all about giving up your personal rights. Your right to feel validated, defended, and justified. The truth is community is all about refinement--we are mirrors to each other, revealing the ways we are too touchy, too angry, too defensive, too (enter your struggle here). And when we are well defended with walls and fences, we cannot receive the refinement we so desperately need. But the problem is when we are trying to develop skin that is appropriately thick. How much do I have a right to be right? How much do I have a right to be heard, loved and accepted? I was recently inspired by the "personal bill of rights". I'm still processing what it means to have these rights, but give up others; maintain boundaries, but still live in community.

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.

3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."

14. I have the right to say 'I don't know.

15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.

21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

22. I have the right to change and grow.

23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others

24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect

25. I have the right to be happy.

I got a tatoo.

2007-12-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

Prayer for Pasadena

2007-12-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is from last year. It is my prayer.

Cellar Door

2007-12-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

Somehow some group of folks got together and decided that cellar door was the most audibly pleasing words in the English language. Ridiculous.

In other news, I have taken a liking to tangerine green tea soda from Hansen's. It's the most savory of all sodas.

I've taken up painting. Painting number 2 is on it's way.

Tomorrow is the half marathon. I'm excited.

I wonder if being content is something that just happens, like breathing. Or if it's something you have to work at.

I just figured out how to put up pictures on this thing. Maybe I'll post some soon.

Bible Study

2007-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

So, let me just start by saying that traditionally, Bible study has been completely awful for me. Well not completely, say maybe 65% awful. I don't like kids very much. Well that's not true. I do like kids. It's my job to like kids. I guess what I don't like is hyper kids who don't really want to understand the bible. In groups. masses of sniveling kids with snotty noses who want to play with everything in sight and twirl in your lounge chair. I guess I don't like groups of kids. One on one they're great.

In anycase, Bible Study tonight was awesome. I invited all the kids over, but only like 4 of them came. We watched the Prince of Egypt, ate pizza and had some real fun. Then little pooh came over and just talked up a storm, revealing a lot of stuff in his life, like how his brother had died and he didn't understand suffering. We got a chance to share the gospel with him a little bit and urge him into a deeper maturity and understanding of God's grace. We pray that he knows God's love deeper. It was mostly awesome cause I had fun. Not that it's a prerequisite to God moving, but I think it helps. When we do things with joy, I think it frees up the Holy Spirit to move in more profound ways. Funny how that works.

Choices and decisions

2007-11-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am realizing that we often don't realize the choices we have. Too often I hear myself and my friends say, "this made me mad," or "you made me sad." As a behavioral specialist, I tell my clients, "you have a choice in what you feel, you have a choice in your response." I said this to a friend yesterday and she said, "I don't have a choice. I'm pretty powerless; it's only through God's grace that I could ever choose out of a negative feeling." This comment caught me off guard. While I appreciate the sentiment in her comment, I think there are a few things missing about her choice and responsibility. Does the bible really say that we don't have a choice? Does God really make us powerless except through his grace?

When I opened to Genesis 4, I see one of the most poor reactions to a bad situation: Cain is caught in this family dynamic: everything his brother does is recognized above his own. He lives in the shadow of his brothers devotion, performance and good works. Cain must feel so bitter and resentful of his older brother. The bitterness comes to a head when Cain tries to give an offering and it's pointed out by God that it's not quite good enough. Maybe Cain had a busy day in the field and could only gather a few rotten little fruits, or maybe he was just being a little lazy. Either way, we see he is currently in a situation that is out of his own control-- God's reaction is out of his ability to change or manipulate. Cain's reaction is anger; he shows it to God. But God's response is interesting: "Why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it." God tells Cain "look, kiddo, you chose your own fate here. If you are angry, it's your own choice. Furthermore, if my reaction has influenced your own anger, you'd better check yourself. In your anger you might sin, you must control yourself." But Cain doesn't listen, and he chooses instead to kill his brother. He gives into the most extreme response to anger.

I think a lot of us live like Cain. Outside circumstances and our own choices land us in situations beyond our control and ability. We get angry. We get sad. We end up saying, "why me? Why now?" And God's response is similar, "sin may be lurking at your door and you must master it." Choose out of sin. We can be real with God in our anger, sadness, frustration; but we have a choice about the strength and duration of these feelings.

The apostle Paul puts it in a different way: "I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." I think this is where my friends response comes from--I don't have control apart from God. Yet, I think if we look closely at Paul's writing we can see something different. Paul is not saying that we do not have control and choice. Rather he says the opposite, and points our that he his making an active choice into God's law. He empathizes with the difficulty of carrying out this choice but still insists that we are actively choosing to submit our will to God's and this means we are choosing out of negative feelings and reactions. Paul does not give excuses so much as a method for making better choices. It is difficult to carry these choices out, but we have the grace and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

As redeemed people we need to be careful about taking responsibility for our choices and actions. We really do have more control and more choice than we think we do. We are not victims of a sinful society, rather we are ambassadors and not citizens of this world. Partners with God's work in our families, our neighborhoods, and our lives.

To my sadeeqi

2007-11-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

Sadeeqi:
I have been thinking about our conversations recently and your concern about my level of worrying. I think it would be helpful for all parties invovled to note that I have an anxiety disorder. Not that it is an excuse for my behaviors, but that my anxiety is a very real and integrated part of my life. I don't try to worry--it just happens. It is especially important to note because while I am and always have been very functional, anxiety is always around the corner for me. Yes, I am working on it and trying to be more aware of the presence of God (who is our ultimate provider and comforter and friend). I try to take the scripture at heart "trust in the lord with all your heart" and "do not worry about anything, but with prayer and petition present your cares to Him, for he cares for us." It's true that God cares for us, more than flowers, trees, birds--we are the apple of his eye. If we trust scripture we know that a loving God is always calling us, always leading us to deeper levels of trust and companionship. Often this is easier said than done, as the many storms of life come and go--loans, money, family, work--we have multiple stressors which test our faith and challenge us to come to a deeper understanding of God's provision.

Some of us have had many stressors in life, and as children we were ill-equiped to allow the stress to lead us into deeper relationship with God. Instead stress builds up over time--thus anxiety is a cumulative disorder. As a 23-year old, I find my anxiety is often displaced. I am not really worried about your safety on the bus when you have all of your luggage and a broken arm. But anxiety is an underlying state of my being, thus when there is a trigger; a small fear; my response is unproportional to reality. Forgive this uproportional response. Have grace with me as I learn to appropriatly deal with fear. I love you.

'lil e

2007-11-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

So, I think I have the best coworkers anyone could ask for. Today during group supervision, we decided to vote on what our nicknames should be. Mine ended up being lil e, after much debate over the implications of "easy e" or "big red". So, lil e it is. Peace yall.

Anxiety Cat

2007-08-31T15:23:00.000-07:00

My anxiety is cat-like. It creeps, and crawls, and JUMPS! and claws. Sometimes she's just playing, catch and release, little mouse erin. Other times she is a true hunter, catching dinner for her whole family and I am her prey. My anxiety cat likes to sleep in the sun, stretch out with long luxurious forepaws. She likes to climb up curtains, but often she gets her claws stuck. She likes to climb trees and tries to catch the birds. She can lay languidly for what seems like an eternity before she gets up and leaps! I am learning that anxiety cat's game is not really to eat me for dinner, but to keep me so trembling for fear that I can be her subject whenever she wishes. I don't move, caught up in a mind-numbing paralysis that prevents all forward thinking and analysis. She can always find me right where she's left me, still wet with her spit, my right ear a little mangled from her jaw. I haven't time to even clean myself up. But today I have a secret weapon. I draw. I write. I paint. I do what forward thinking mouses do--imagine a way not just to get away from the cat, but imagine a life, uninhibited by cat's paws. A schedule of safety with relaxing hovels built right in-- time to think, time to pray, time to seek God while going about my day (even while searching for cheese). My life is not without meaning.

Integrity

2007-05-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just got fired from his job. "For lack of integrity" he said. "What does integrity mean anyway?" This is the ultimate question for me at the moment. What does integrity mean? What does it mean to have integrity, in my job, in my vocation, in my family, and in my friendships?

A quick browse of the ol' Websters gives integrity the following meanings:

1.	adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2.	the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3.	a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

But my questions remain unanswered by these three explanations. What a person of integrity looks like is still beyond me and I am unsure that I would fit into any of these definitions, simply because I see most of my flaws before I see my strengths.

The thing is, I have this irking feeling in my heart that if I was a person of integrity; moreover an integrated person of integrity (meaning all parts of my life were lived with equal integrity), I would have a peace about who and what I am in every situation. I think about transition a lot. Mostly because the way my brain works, I can figure out a system anywhere. I like figuring out systems, observing patterns, and recording the functional systematics as a dutiful anthropologists--a scholar of humans, a scholar of culture. I observe my friends as if they are a foreign tribe in a remote island. Their behaviors are exotic to me. Yet, when I have figured them out, I can maneuver in that system of ethics and behaviors. However, I've noticed my own pattern. Until I have the system mastered, I feel awful about myself--I feel foreign--I am the outsider. I don't fit in. I get down on myself, thinking I did the wrong thing/said the wrong thing/I am the wrong thing.

But if I was a person of integrity, my actions, my thoughts, my words, would all stem from the same source--a strong moral compass and a strong connection to the God who created morals and systems. If my words came from that source (and I knew it), then I feel like I could allow myself more grace-- grace to make mistakes in a new context, grace to not know everything. I would focus less on mastering a system and being functional in it, and I would focus more on being myself in the midst of a new system. But I'm struggling with it. How does a white woman speak to a African-American foster youth? How does she offer him functionality in this system, even while her own functionality seems fragile? Integrity speaks.

Pasadena News

2007-05-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Man critically hurt in shooting

Article Launched: 05/08/2007 09:14:42 PM PDT

PASADENA - A young man was shot Monday night and remains in critical condition at an area hospital, said Pasadena police.

Police found the 16-year-old lying in the driveway of an apartment complex at 431 N. Holliston Ave. with a gunshot wound to the head at 11:20 p.m., said Pasadena police Lt. Keith Jones.

Police earlier received calls about gunshots fired in the vicinity of Holliston and Villa Street, Jones said. Witnesses told police they saw several male Latinos running from the area.

Police don't have any suspects in custody, Jones said, and don't see a connection with a shooting earlier Monday that left one man dead and another seriously wounded on Washington Boulevard.

Man shot to death is identified

PASADENA - Police have identified a man who was killed Monday in a shooting on Washington Boulevard near Summit Avenue.

Tony Anthony Walker, 37, of Pasadena, was the man who died at the scene, said Janet Pope Givens, a Pasadena police spokeswoman.

Another man also was shot and hospitalized; Givens identified him only as a 20-year-old Pasadena man.

Givens said Walker had a criminal record and prior contacts with law enforcement.

Police continue to investigate the shooting and are seeking more witnesses, she said, "but we have got a lot of good information to work with and we can always use more." The shooting took place at 1:53 p.m. on Washington.

Shooting leaves 1 dead, 1 wounded

From staff reports

Article Launched: 05/07/2007 09:48:54 PM PDT

PASADENA - One man was killed and another seriously injured Monday in what authorities called a bold daylight shooting on busy Washington Boulevard near Summit Avenue.

Pasadena police Cmdr. John Perez said the department received several calls around 1:53 p.m. about shots fired in the 100 block of East Washington Boulevard.

"When the officers arrived they found one individual who was shot several times and was deceased, and another young man who was shot several times but still alive. \ was transported to Huntington Hospital, where he underwent surgery," Perez said.

Police haven't confirmed the names of the victims, he added.

The body of the dead man leaned out of the driver's-side door of a gray, older model Mustang on the south side of the street. The car was surrounded by yellow evidence cones marking the location of spent bullet casings.

Washington was closed from Raymond Avenue to Summit.

Perez said police aren't sure if the shooting is gang-related or related to another shooting Sunday on Orange Grove Boulevard.

"It seems to have all the ingredients of a gang-related incident," he said. "But at this point we have not been able to confirm that yet."

Police don't have any information about suspects and Perez asked anyone with information to call the police department.

Drive-by shooting leaves man hurt

05/03/2007 09:07:38 PM PDT

PASADENA - An 18-year-old man was shot Wednesday in what police believe was a gang-related drive-by shooting.

The crime was reported about 8:30 p.m. at a house known to be a gang hangout in the 700 block of Cypress Avenue, said Pasadena police Lt. Alex Uribe.

A white four-door sedan and a green van drove past the residence, where 15 to 20 people were congregated, when at least one of them opened fire with a semi-automatic weapon, said Uribe.

One victim was hit and received a "through-and- through" wound to his elbow, Uribe said.

He was taken to a local hospital for treatment and is doing fine, Uribe added.

Officials believe at least one member of the victim's group may have returned fire.

Continuity

2007-05-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

"All too often, men and women are like battered wives or abused children. We hold on to the continuity we have, however profoundly it is flawed. If change were less frightening, if the risk did not seem so great, far more could be lived. One of the most striking facts of most lives is the recurrence of threads of continuity, the re-echoing of earlier themes, even across deep rifts of change, but when you watch people damaged by their dependence on continuity, you wonder about the nature of commitment, about the need for a new and more fluid way to imagine the future" Mary Catherine Bateson, Composing a Life

Transition has always been rough for me. Memories seem to haunt me wherever I go (re-echoing earlier themes), old sins, old patterns, old friends. Things that once were secure, now gone, and when I see a twitch there, a glance here, a smell there; I am reminded with a feeling deep feeling in my throat of the loss of these things. Of course, some things, say self-abusive behaviors, are okay to say goodbye to. But they still seem like old friends at times of retrospection. A wise friend once told me that my self-abuse served me well at some points in my life. It protected me, it kept me from feeling-- sorrow, pain and even happiness could be turned into a numb feeling. If anything, it kept me from feeling lonely, I would always have this voice telling me how much to hate myself.

But what happens when you decide to hate the voice that hates you? What happens when you decide to forget these old things, forget the things that drag you down? Many people in the faith call this "pruning" where you commit to cutting off a behavior, pattern, or even a person that takes life away from you. I did the same thing to the roses this morning- whacking off the long stems which will bear no flowers so that the main bush can bear many flowers throughout the year. I wonder if the roses feel the same way I do when I am "pruning". It's like when you're a kid and you loose a tooth-- you keep feeling the raw spot in your gum to see if it's really gone. Yup, it's really gone-- only the slight tinny taste of blood as evidence to it's previous existence. Yet you can't shake the feeling that something is missing. Vines, teeth, behaviors, removed, making room for better and healthier things. And somehow I know that; I know that when I let these things go there will be more room for peace, joy, and love. But the change is risky, and frightening, and so I am tempted to live less, cling more, instead, choosing the comfortable continuity. Old patterns need no new training.

I need a new and more fluid way to imagine the future--one that allows for change in myself, in my heart and my mind. One that positively visions for choices which bring life, instead of death; feelings instead of numbness; hope instead of darkness. Pray for me friends, that I would be empowered to make these choices and engage in the daily battle of being renewed by the transforming of my heart and mind.

Raw, Vegan, Simple?

2007-04-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about food and nutrition. This I think is in part due to the fact that I'm attempting to be healthier and get vitamins and minerals directly from my diet and not have to add in supplements etc (check out this website: http://whfoods.com) also partially due to looking at my kids and seeing what bad nutrition they have! When I was in India, a nurse told me that the poor are often chronically constipated due to the lack of fiber in their diet. When I look at my kids' eating habits I know that must be true! So I've been thinking of creative ways that we can encourage healthy eating, get them to try new foods, and make sure that at least one meal a week (which they eat with us) is both inexpensive (for us) and nutritious. Thus far we've put our own toppings on frozen pizza, made spaghetti, and made breakfast casserole with potatoes and eggs and some veggies. I'm thinking about doing a garden with the kids... but we'll see if we can pull it off.

The thing I'm worried about and thinking about specifically is that I've been doing a lot of reading about the raw food diet. Some people think this is a fad, some don't. The really ironic thing about the diet, whether you agree with it or not is the fact that almost all of the foods require some type of gadget--food processor, juicer, dehydrator--ridiculous! Proponents of the "Raw Food Revolution" say that this type of diet has been around for millions of years and that we're the only animal that cooks their food. But apparently on this diet we're the only animals that will spend 100's of dollars on kitchen gadgets in order to get enough calories and nutrients. Crazy I think. Though I have to admit, I am going raw one day a week for health and fitness reasons, and looking at the recipes the raw carrot cake looks awfully tempting. This idea that we can eat whatever mock foods as long as they are raw sounds awesome. That is if I had a spare 100 bucks and an extra 2-3 hours a day. For now, I'm sticking with our local Mexican owned grocery, incorporating some organic sprouted grains (from which I make bread), and trying to start this garden.

But Strive First.

2007-04-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

But strive first, the kingdom of heaven, and all of these things shall be added unto you as well.

I've been thinking about worry. Actually, I've been worried about my worry. Ironic, huh? It seems that Jesus addresses worry in Matthew 6 (Sermon on the Mount) with a replacement philosophy. He doesn't just say "don't worry!" He says, strive first the kingdom of heaven and you won't need to worry.

I've been thinking about this in the context of my job (which I hate). I've been looking for a new job for over a month and a half. I've been praying that my job would improve since I was employed six months ago. I'm worried. Worried that I will never get a better job. Worried that I will always be at Fuller, always be hating my job (and thus 8 hours of my life), worried that God's not going to come through for me. I'm honestly worried that Jesus won't really take care of me. Or that being a disciple here, away from my home, always means the most amount of suffering, and the most amount of burnout. I think in my heart of hearts I'm really afraid that Jesus will remove from me what I love the most and leave me with nothing except a spiritual novum called "eternal life" or "heaven" for which I will have no earthly reference frame.

Yet, Luke put Jesus' words like this "Don't worry little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." I don't really know how to wrestle with that-- it's pretty clear that God will grant us the kingdom now, here, currently. And perhaps he already has. If I think about the fact that I have complete medical insurance, have enough spare cash to plan a trip to China, enough money to pay my bills--this is hardly suffering. Not only that but God promises to be with me, even in the job that I hate, even if I can't pay my bills. God is good--that's very true, it's just that sometimes I am too myopic to see his grace.

I've turned into that person....

2007-04-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

So... while on the plane to Seattle I fell ill. I think it was my period or something (which apparently I'm allergic to!) I was sooo sick that I couldn't get on the bus to ride downtown and see all the great Seattle sights. Instead I thought, well maybe I'll just lay low at the airport. The Seattle airport has this great little room with a huge fountain and natural light, and it's awesome. So I chilled there for a while, still ill. Well, I told myself, I'll just walk around. OMG, the whole time I was praying outloud, pleading with God to not let me puke right there. And then it hit me in the middle of "Oh Jesus, thank you lord" that I have turned into one of those persons (you know the one that is always praising God, even for a parking place). I think I would have pulled my bible out and started reading out loud if it would have helped. You know the funny thing is I didn't think it was all that unnatural to be mumbling my praises to God outloud in an airport... huh, maybe I am that person! weird.

Any one want to give me a job?

2007-03-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

So, this is a shameless plug. I need a better job. Something that has meaning. I can't seem to find one that works with my schedule and goals. Tirea (my coworker) laughed and said it must be that God wants you here! That's not really what I want to hear. I am learning a lot. But... I could be learning more. Anyway, if anyone has any ideas about being an entry level case manager, or something like that, please let me know.

Habit 1 and 2

2007-03-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

I’m beginning to change my view of therapy. I started going to a counselor in college, hoping to improve my self esteem, my sense of self and purpose, not allow my life to be controlled by my emotions and finally break some bad family patterns. It helped, it really did. I felt better, stronger, more alive and able to conquer my issues. I felt some sense of God’s healing and felt that I was really allowed to progress towards a whole self. That was great. Then I graduated from college and moved into this internship and WHAMO! There were all of my issues, staring right back in my face! I hadn’t been fixed at all! What!? I felt a sense of defeat and just a brokenness that I would have worked so hard, but made so little permanent progress. I admit I wallowed in this depression and self-pity a little too long before I finally faced the facts, and sought a professional counselor down here. And I’ve been feeling some progress. But part of me is skeptical, I told that to my therapist today, “Therapist, I feel like happiness is temporary, like it’s good for now, but soon it will end and I’ll be back with this sadness haunting me.” She looked very wise then, and gave a knowing smile and asked if I came out of my depression sooner than last time. I thought, and yes, it took me almost a year last episode, and now it has taken less than a month to see some real improvement. So, she said, there is that. And I thought, yeah, so there is that. I’ve learned skills, healthy coping mechanisms to deal with pain, suffering, sadness. These are invaluable, because I know that I will always come from the neighborhood I come from, always come from the family I come from, always be involved to some extent with the suffering of humanity. The suffering won't change. However, how I react to suffering, how I deal with it—that can change; that is my choice. If I can control nothing else, I can control how I choose to feel and how I choose to deal with things that are out of my control. (Thanks Stephen Covey)

Angry

2007-03-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

What does one do with Anger? Walk see hear be.
I served a meal, no two in a 3 million dollar home of my employer today. Thinking, he lives here, while I? I am not starving. In fact I am comfortable. But to live in a place which could feed a small country? I am angry. And being Caucasian, I am concerned about race and power. And being globally traveled I am concerned about countries of orgin and power. But this Jamacian Black man and his family... I don't really understand.

What I've learned from running

2007-02-18T15:33:00.000-08:00

I've never been an athlete. Well, not really. The thing is, I'm not naturally gifted in anything that requires coordination or speed. But I enjoy getting sweaty. I enjoy aching muscles (mostly) and I enjoy a good workout almost as good as a good piece of chocolate cake.

Over the years I've tried many different sports, from ballet to basketball. I'm always mediocre. Just good enough to get noticed once in a while. Never really good enough to perform. But I've kept going, kept trying new things, kept up my athleticism.

Running has been a common thread in my athletic adventures. I started running in Junior High when I was disappointed that I had a poor grade in a class. I ran 2 miles to calm myself down. It worked. I started running often then, not far or fast, just often. I ran with my dog in my neighborhood and the track at school. In high school, I swam for several hours a day for swim team, but on the weekends I would put on my sneakers and run my dog to the elementary school down the street.

In college, I experimented again through a host of sports, collegiate cycling being the most challenging and unique yet. I enjoyed all of them, but I still ran. In my senior year, I justified running as my favorite sport because of it's cost effectiveness (no fancy equipment required), it's mobility (you can run anywhere), and it's efficiency (running can give you a good work out such in a short period of time). I ran 4 miles each day in the wheatfields of my college town. So beautiful. I loved it, it was peace when I felt stressed; hope when I felt hopeless; and it gave me a sense of accomplishment.

However, after college, I took about 6 months off running because of various transitions, new jobs, new city, traveling etc. Now I am back. I suppose "back" is a relative word because "back" generally means you return to something. Often, going back to something implies a regression or a returning to an already learned skill. Not so with running. Now I am back to running after a period of absence means I am back to breathing heavily and feeling my feet plod along after only the first mile. It means my heart feels like it's leaping out of my chest, my lungs burning. Going back to running feels like it's going back to something I've never done before.

But this is what running has taught me the most: endurance is half the battle. When you feel tired after the first 1/4 mile, it doesn't mean that your fatigue will last the entire run. Often it means, push yourself another lap and you'll feel better. Or it means push yourself the entire run and next time, this will be so much easier. Last week on my Saturday run, I gave myself a distance, a reachable goal. I ran twice that distance. I felt my spirit saying: you can do it. You can reach it. This can be done, it can be learned, it can be fought for.

So it is with the mind. So it is with the spirit. Running any race requires endurance. It requires gumption, stick-with-it-ness, and a don't-back-down attitude. A good runner knows when to rest, and when to pick up the pace. She knows how to train and that the next time she runs, she'll run faster, farther and better. Practicing this endurance, these character traits, practices my heart, soul, and mind for my work in my neighborhood. It prepares me with insight that when things are tough, I can keep going. It teaches me that not giving up is the key to finishing the run. We never get anywhere if we let go of our hope: hope for a better neighborhood, a better family, a better self. So we keep on keeping on with hope, keep on keeping on with endurance. We know there will be set backs and tiredness. But that the next time we run we will run faster, farther, and better.

The Meaning of Patience

2007-02-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

Not giving up, even when we want to. Saying no to a tempting offer. Waiting even when we want to go. Finding joy in what we have now. Practicing the presence of God, when sometimes we'd rather just sleep. Walking 2 miles to work everyday, though it would be easier to purchase a car. Finally telling my best friends, "I'm not doing well. I hate LA." For me, this is patience a steady, slow process that allows myself to feel sad, angry, upset, but still hopeful. And I wait, continually for new insight, new orientation. Lost in the dessert, sometimes you want to stay at an oasis. I fight on for a city.

More on this later. Sorry friends for not writing often. It's been a sad round of weeks.

waiting

2007-01-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

I wrote this in my journal several weeks ago. But then I read this from David Bosch. His words are an effective introduction.

"We know that the kingdom is coming because it has already come. We live within the creative tension between the already and the not yet. forever moving closer to the orbit of the former. We Christians are an anachromism in this world." David Bosch, Spirituality of the Road, 1975, p85.

And so, when, after thristing for the presence of God, finding him right here in the mundane ordinary is somehow commical. I look down, I see a hole in my shoe. I laugh. I look up, I see trees. I see sun. I look right, I see small girl holding a baloon, smiling and wispering to her mother. I look left, I see God.

This year feels full of waiting. Waiting for a job, waiting to have real friends, waiting to move in to our apartment. And once, having obtained these things, waiting even still as I learn my new job, as I navigate new friendships, as I slowly decorate my apartment. I wait for happiness. I wait for my boyfriend to be in the same contitent. I wait for people to recognize my apptitude and talent at work. I am waiting for my heart to have peace, for a secure financial future. I am waiting for my body to catch up with my mind, to realize what I already know.

And through all of this, waiting and wanting to see God.

Scripture is full of waiting. Abraham and Sarah wait for their son, Noah waits for the flood to subside, Moses waits for his people to be free. Israel waited 40 years to get into the Promised Land. The Psalms are full of waiting for vindication, for justification. The prophets, Amos, Isaiah, Ezekiel, wait for God's word to be heard. And of course, the entire text before the Gospels wait for coming of the Messiah.

Even the coming of Christ did not bring immediacy--our souls still wait, eagerly and desperately for the second coming of the King. We are waiting for the coming of the Kingdom, for a reign of justice and righteousness.

To expectancy, there is no end.

When I think about it, it seems that everyone I know is trying to get to an end--an end to misery, an end to suffering, depression, anxiety, and hopelessnes. I think that this is why Jesus' words are so dangerous. When he says, "Blessed are you poor, for yours is the Kingdom of God" he is saying that the poor are even plessed while poor. He says that the suffering are blessed while suffering, that the hungry are blessed while hungary. They are blessed while naked, while tired, while beaten, while hated, while misunderstood--in spite of these there is still blessing.

Blessing is here! Blessing is now! Look up you tired! Look up you weary, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand! It is near and it is active. It persues peace, and joy, and love. It looks to God, to neighbor and to self. In spite of trials, tribulation, persecutions, famine and sword, we know that above all else, that God is good.

If we wait for an end to suffering I think we will be disapointed. If we wait for out lives to be good, we will be let down. If we wait for suffering to end, we will miss the point of the gospel. That Christ is here and now, that heaven and hell are reflected daily realities. These are the truths that govern our lives: evil is real but God is good. We can know these things.

History

2006-11-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

I intended to begin this work with an examination of Pasadena, the location of my residence and thus, the location of my work. I wanted to include lists of facts about poverty, education, and demographic statistics. While I still plan on including these facts, however a more pressing experience has taken place, one which I feel compelled to flesh out in detail.

This morning as I walk with quick steps—I am late to work, I’ve left my house several minutes late and so I must make up the time with my pace. As I pass an apartment on Garfield Ave, an African American woman and boy walk out of the courtyard, strolling in front of me. The boy looks to be about ten or so. I hear them talking about catching the bus to school and laughing together about the chilly weather. Since they are walking slowly, I approach them rapidly and slow to match their pace. I am shy of saying “excuse me” or sheepishly explaining my break neck pace mumbling “I’m late to work” so I trail behind them, biding my time, crossing my fingers for the time when they leave the narrow sidewalk. I step on a leaf, giving a loud crunch as evidence to my presence. The woman turns around abruptly. I smile a “hi.” The woman holds the boy’s hand and pulls him to herself. I hear her say something about letting me pass. “Thank you” I say as I speed around them. I continue my pace and hear the boy say “Why’s she walking so fast?” I wanted to turn around and shout to them, “I’m late to work!” I wanted to explain why I felt uncomfortable walking behind them at a slow pace. I wanted to justify my speed.

Moreover, I wanted to justify myself as a white woman, and why I was walking faster than the black family on their way to school. I wanted to enforce that I wasn’t racist. I was just late to work. Yet, I am aware of the weight of the boy’s question, “Why’s she walking so fast?” He is not only asking about the pace of my march, but also about my pace in relation to himself and his mom. I passed them, without much conversation, intent on my task (getting to work). He must have wondered, “Why didn’t that white girl talk to us?” He must have been aware of the tension as my blue eyes smiled into his mother’s brown eyes. He must have been aware of the historical significance of a white girl passing the black family.

To get to work; to earn some money; to pass the black family—these are all historically laden tasks. Everything that we do carries the burden of history. I am not intentionally racist; I am paralyzed by history. Would I have done the same thing to a white family? Probably, but I didn’t. Passing by a white family would not hold the same categorical importance. It would not have carried the weight of history and prejudice. I walked passively by a black family, passively acquiescing to the unspoken segregation of time and space and Pasadena and I passively gave my acceptance of the history that allows me, twenty-two year old, well intentioned white girl to pass a ten-year old black boy and his mother. I passively gave my approval for a history where white always passes black, a history where white seems productive, where white seems dodgy and fearful.

Yet, at the same time, I am a victim of the same history. I feel fearful and dodgy. I feel guilty. I am at the mercy of my own prejudice and my own fear. I am a victim of history because I feel out of place in my own neighborhood because of the color of my skin. I am a victim of history as I walk past, missing the hope of a connected and reconciled humanity.

To fight such a history takes tremendous effort. It takes forethought and knowledge. To properly fight an enemy, you must know it. We must know our enemy is history: a history that has divided humanity; a history that has worked to separate peoples from dignity and peace; a history that has allowed racism and sexism and classism to flourish. We fight against this history by moving into “those neighborhoods,” by consciously and intentionally saying good morning as we walk past a family. We fight against history by fighting against our own fear, by fighting to keep our dreams and hopes alive. We fight against history as we actively pursue justice and peace and reconciliation.

Introduction

2006-11-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

Often, I’ve written in response to other authors. Being a student, I write on the command of my professors, under their guidance and expertise. After I graduate, I find myself wandering within a complexity of my own indiscipline. Thus, the decision to start this project: a reflection of life, based on the unwritten histories of the poor.

There is a recent trend among historians to discover, unearth, or record the histories that are left out of major historical texts. They concentrate on non-western societies, those numerous oral traditions and histories that were lost in the conflict and convergence of colonial dominion, wars, and natural disasters. This is a noble pursuit and no doubt, these works will be works of indefinite importance. Yet, this work is not so much focused on the past, but on the present. I do this with intentionality, for I believe the only way to avoid ignoring histories in the future is to write them down in the present. Thus my work begins.

After Thanksgiving.

2006-11-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

We've sat with the turkey in our gullets; large, swollen, and thankful, for warmth and food and friends. Embracing silence? Feet up. we smile.